Thursday, January 31, 2008

I believe...

Sometimes it feels like my world is so small. I like it this way, but sometimes I wish it were bigger. I don't feel like the type of person who needs to make a big, huge mark, but to be able to define oneself as a part of a larger whole would sometimes feel really good. Sometimes I feel a little isolated. I wish I had a cause, I mean a really big one. I think about my friend's husband, who is in the military. I really admire him, and truly respect him, and I am awe-struck and a little envious, almost, that he has something that he believes in so truly. Being in the military is his job, and it is his life, and he will, and has run the risk of, lay down his life for his cause. This blows my mind. What it must feel like to believe in something so wholly, and to be brave enough to risk life and limb for it. I don't have anything like that in my life. I wish I could feel that kind of devotion to something larger. I guess this is the same thing that has sometimes made me want to be part of a church. To have something that I really, truly believe in. The problem with all of this stuff is that you have to have something that you really, truly believe in, and that you agree with, and that you can devote yourself to without reserve. I don't have this kind of relationship with anything except my family. So I guess this is where I sit, in my little corner of Western Massachusetts. I guess this is my world. I think I will have to stay here. While I would like to be part of something bigger, I respect that you have to be somewhere in your mind to be part of that. You can't just decide to be there and do it well. I think that's the thing about, say a really devout religious person, or my friend's husband in the military. It's not like he just joined up. I mean he is there. It's what he truly believes in, and he wouldn't let anything stand in his way. This is real. It never flickers in my mind that sometimes what he believes is different from what I believe, because I respect him so much for just being so devoted to what he believes in. Just like I respect people who are really devoted to their religions, even though I don't share their beliefs. It is an admirable quality to be devoted to something. Just like I can admire a vegan but never want to be one.
And so what do I really believe in? I don't know. I really don't know sometimes. I guess I believe in people, and in friendships, and in the goodness of people. I think I believe in kindness and good will. I believe that I am extrordinarily fortunate to inhabit this little corner of the world. I know I believe that I have an amazing family, both of origin and the one I live with now, and fabulous in-laws to boot. I believe all of this. And I do also believe that somehow my sadness has made me a happier person. I believe that I must help other people who have lost babies, and I know that I feel driven to do so. I believe that I have to be watchful of the environment around me and that I should not waste. I believe that people in this country and society overconsume and I believe that I am also guilty of this a million times over, but I also believe that this overconsumption compared to world standards has made me happy and fortunate and lucky in a thousand ways. Not that I don't try to be reasonable. I believe that my children are going to grow up to be good citizens and to do good things and I hope I can help them to do this. I know there are a lot of things I believe in. I think maybe my desire for a larger thing to feel committed to is simply the result of the disintigration of society, in the way that I don't feel all that connected to society as a whole. I think maybe I would have been better off in a tribal village somewhere with all my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. But I'm here, kind of alone, happily forming and maintaining my own community, and here I will stay. Where else could I decide to go?


Leigh said...

You wrote: "What it must feel like to believe in something so wholly, and to be brave enough to risk life and limb for it. I don't have anything like that in my life. I wish I could feel that kind of devotion to something larger."

Oh, warrior mama, you DO have this. You are MaMa, the universal and primal source of love. You are MaMa to three beautiful babies, nourishing their spirits and bodies. You are creator, protector, lover. YOu would give life and limb for them.

"Love is all we need".

Peace and xoxo

Team Harris said...

Mama... would it be okay if I contacted you personally about something? I would really like to share something with you but I would rather do it privately. If not, that's okay too. You are an amazing woman and I am in awe of you! If it's okay, you can contact me at mikeandchristinaATgmailDOTcom