Wednesday, January 2, 2008

I feel a little put out about this whole blog thing. I love having things to write, and I like the idea that somebody, out there, might read it. But I don't think anyone does read it! So should I just be writing this all in my journal? What is the point of sending it all out into space and losing it to a web page when I could be keeping it to myself?
I don't even know how somebody finds a blog. I guess I should be patient. Anyway I am not a very exciting specimen, let's be honest. No particular interest to the general parenting public who has never lost a baby, but probably too removed from my loss to really appeal to people in the throes of grief.
Does anyone (is there anyone out there?) go through moments of isolation and self-pity in a very adolescent kind of way? Sometimes it occurs to me that I am in my thirties and not really feeling all that much different than I did when I was a self-doubting 11 year old.
I suppose that's not true. I am pretty confident in a number of ways and I definitely feel totally kickass for having survived the loss of my first child. Really. I know that sounds weird but when I think about how I felt when Charlotte first died, and how I feel now, it amazes me that the human spirit is capable of coming so far. I wanted to die for so many months (wanted to die without a will or a means to actually make it happen, let me be clear on this) and now there is nothing I love more than getting up every morning.
Here's another random thing. You know the loss of control you feel when your baby dies? How suddenly the whole world is spinning around you and you can't do anything about anything? We all reclaim control in different areas. My weird area of control? I keep my house clean. Tidy. Not compulsively clean, particularly since I don't use chemical cleaners etc. of any sort, but compusively tidy. It makes me feel so happy and in control when the house is clean and organized to look at. If the insides of my drawers are a mess I don't care, but I have to look around me and see order as much as possible. This weekend I did a lot of organizing that made me feel oh-so-satisfied. This was not part of me before I lost Charlotte.
Maybe this is just me being a housewife and needing something to be proud of.
I never know what causes what in my life but I see how I am changing.

8 comments:

Becky said...

Believe it or not, I am here and reading. I haven't commented because I don't have much to say (plus, extreme sleep dep has caused me to be dumber than dumb), but I am resolving to do so more often.

You write beautifully and interestingly and I love to read you.

Nice to have virtually met you, darlin'.

Happy 2008.

Rixa said...

Keep writing! There are a lot of readers, like me, who probably don't comment often but who read yours regularly. And I am part of the "general parenting public who hasn't lost a baby" and still find your blog very poignant and touching and inspiring. I found yours via Erin's blog (Birdie's mama).

mm said...

Ditto on finding you via Erin. I read (even subscribed to you via bloglines ... now that ought to add to your confusion!) because of my friend Raenne, and a client I had this past summer who birthed her babe at 22 week.
Hope you don't mind my peeking in to your world(s, Erin too!). I hope that it makes me a smidgen better doula to mamas who have/are experiencing loss.

Elizabeth said...

I'm reading. My only child was born and died in August. I don't usually read blogs written by moms who have other kids, but yours still resonates with me. Your writing is beautiful. I also came via Erin's blog. I never leave comments because I'm very shy about it... this is probably the second or third comment I've ever left on any blog!

Birdie said...

Of course I am still right here to my dear friend. I am addicted to checking your blog to see what you have written every day.

Hennifer said...

I think I commented once before. I'm here. I don't often comment because I read more blogs than I should, at work even :)
I think you write beautifully. I too am part of the ""general parenting public who hasn't lost a baby" but I find that your words on parenting inspire me. There is something really lyrical about your words. I too found you through Erin.

stephanie said...

i am the sister of this amazing writer and i am proud of it.

i love your writing. i have been through this journey with you from the day that you told me you were pregnant with Charlotte (well, I actually guessed it before you told me!); but i realize how much i am still learning about your experience. i am so grateful that you are sharing. you are an inspiration to me and many others. keep writing....

mceeh said...

I'm here too... a little late in commenting. I just found you yesterday via Rixa's blog. You are a beautiful writer. I've had a miscarriage that left me deeply wounded, but I never got to hold that baby in my arms. I can only imagine how much more my grief would have been multiplied if I had. You inspire me.