Monday, February 4, 2008


One of the things I like about having this blog is that everyone seems to be really nice to me so far and it's a good ego boost. So thanks, y'all. I really don't know what to say.
I mean this is the thing, isn't it. We're all pretty unimpressed with ourselves. On a daily level I am. As a survivor of losing my baby I do feel badass, I will admit this to you. Having already done the most difficult thing I will ever have to do feels good. Every time I say this, my brain starts concocting scenarios of what could be worse, now that I have two living children with me. But gearing myself up to push forth my child who would not breathe, that took a lot. I cannot imagine any single act of courage that would trump that one, and I am proud of myself for that. I still cannot concieve of any single person performing such an act, much less myself. But on a day to day level I do have these teenagerish moments where I feel dreadfully incompetent. I look around as if to say, "Where's the mom around this place?" I wonder to myself who is going to fold the baskets of laundry, and when. I think "I wonder what's for dinner?" The flip side of this, the being the mom part, is that I do sometimes gleefully eat hot fudge sundaes at midday, and nobody can stop me from doing it. But I waver, sometimes. I second guess. I compare.
Don't we all?


Awake said...

Yes we do. And, no we shouldn't. But we will anyway. Yours was a true form of bravery. You've shown yourself that when you were tested you did what you had to (that sounds much more simplistic than I want it to sound). But you didn't waver or second guess. So eat the hot fudge, you deserve it.

Becky said...

Yes we all do.

You're an amazing woman. Seriously, you are.

Anonymous said...

*gasp* you said "y'all"

are you originally from the south?