Thursday, January 17, 2008

Just to clarify....

Now I feel uncomfortable and awkward, because I didn't mean for my last post to make it sound like I didn't like talking about Charlotte. I do. I really, really do, and I never deny her. I never even think of denying her, because not denying her is how I keep her with me. I guess I just wish sometimes that I didn't have this underlying concern for the people I am talking to about her. I am always aware that I am going to make people feel sad for me. By nature I am a people-fixer so it always feels funny to make people feel sad. I want them to feel sad for me, but I feel sad about making them sad. Does that make sense? I am worried that I sounded like I wasn't into sharing Charlotte, that I was buying into the whole lets-be-afraid-of-death-and-avoid-the-subject issue. And I guess it is true that, almost 5 years out, there are days where my energy isn't really into advertising that I have a dead daughter. But I would never, ever deny her. Not ever.

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