Thursday, October 2, 2008

Here are some things that people who aren't babylost never think twice about, but I do.

--Your answering machine. Hi, this is Carol, Greg, Liam, and Aoife. Please call us back!
Except that isn't my whole family, but Charlotte isn't here, so I can't include her, but I can't leave her out. So I can't say it. I just can't.

--Oh, you know Aoife. She's a typical second child. Except that she's my third.
(This really pertains to anything related to birth order or things having to do with numbers of children. It all makes my skin crawl. How many kids do you have, things relating to your first child, your oldest, etc. I just feel the pit of my stomach drop.)

--So, do you guys think you'll try for a third, or are you happy with two?
Arghhh.... I'd be happy with three, if only they were all alive.

-- To Liam: Draw a picture of your family.

--Bring in a picture of your family.

--On forms: names and birthdates of other siblings. (and I have to omit one. And it breaks my heart)

I have a date to sew now. So I won't write more. What are some of the things that make your skin crawl?

6 comments:

mm said...

The comment a 'lady' from my friends church said. After she had her second stillbirth child.
Oh dearie the Lord works in mysterious ways. He has a plan for you.

F*$#OFF lady. She just lost her SECOND FULL TERM BABY!

I was so outraged that all I could do was pipe up with... R is quite tired and needs some rest... and quite unceremoniously get her out of the house.

I know I shouldn't be angry. I know that she truely believed that... but but... I'm not a babylost parent, miscarriage yes, babylost no. I attend christian services and more often we have a bottle of wine and a great night visiting with the minister... but still...
I can't believe it was Gods plan to take away both those precious babies. And he didn't think so either. (R and I attend different churches)
I did have to say thank you after she safely had her daughter last March though... that... that kinda helps His reputation a bit.

Jennifer said...

When working on a family tree project, I found that there was no place for my darling nephew who died at only age 9. My brother brought him and his mom into our family while Zach was still in diapers, but was unable to offically adopt him. A child who was most definetly family had no place in this computer software.

Crushing.

Our family too struggles with the "How many" questions. It always causes a dramatic pause while we catch our breath as we are reminded in yet another way.

THAT GIRL said...

"The timing wasn't right."
"It wasn't meant to be."
"God allowed it for a reason."

Timing? Just because my life isn't perfect right now, and this pregnancy wasn't planned, did not mean that ten years down the road I would still be regretting it.

Meant to be? My hopes and dreams ARE meant to be... I'm allowed to have dreams for my baby. Still dream of my unborn babe. I'm allowed to grieve this life... don't tuck it under a rug. I was never "meant" to have this loss. It just... happened.

God allowed it? I hate when people paint such an ugly picture of my God... I don't have/want to know all the answers. Don't want to hear everyone elses.

The worst part is how everyone else seems to forget... and I remember every day.

Baby Lost... is Lonely Loss for me.

Aimee said...

I was at my prenatal yoga class yesterday--there are three of us in the class, plus the teacher. Two of us are babylost mamas, the other is not but we hadn't really talked about how many we had at home, etc. Anyway, we were talking about pregnancies and such and I mentioned something that happened in all THREE of my previous post-first trimester pregnancies (i.e. I wasn't really referring to the two miscarriages). So later she says to me, "So you have three girls?" I respond with, "Yes, but my third was stillborn." She pauses..."Oh," she says, "So you have two girls." The other babylost mom in the class looked at me and I said, quietly because I hate it when people do this to me and force me into a corner when I really don't want to get into it, "I have two girls at home, but I have three girls." She said nothing.

And Carol, the answering machine thing bugs me too...Chris and I talked about that just the other day and he is going to change ours.

Pixie LaRouge said...

I hate ordinal questions. For one thing, how the hell do I count my stepson? He's my oldest and my second, as I got him after my daughter. We have three. I had two babies. He has two sons, but he has a daughter now, too. I just don't know how to answer. I don't know how to count the twins still, as they were miscarried, but I carried them and bore them. And, as I hadn't told many people, it's hard to bring it up now.

And then there's the bafflement of a family we're close to. They have four children, with one taken much too soon. Around them, mentioning their son is easy; he's part of the family, and we all love and miss him. Elsewhere, it's complicated. His name makes some people cringe. I heard one of their relatives ask why we all kept calling "it" by a name. I tried to snap something angry, but all I managed was a few incoherent mumbles and a dirty look, I'm sorry to say.

Stentorian Cyndi said...

I have so many well meaning people that ask me "Is this your first?" And I smile and nod yes. But in my heart I ache to say I had three before Gavin. Their in my heart, just not in my hands.