Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I just need to state, for the record, that while I have withdrawn my card from the baby pool for now, it is not really, truly with a big smile on my face. I talk a good game, eh?
No, I resign in utter defeat, feeling a bit beaten, and knowing that I need a good rest.
Yes, there are pieces of me that feel freed: it seems petty, even odd to say this. After spending a day and a bit with a friend's small baby, feeling that knot in my stomach when it seemed that she was waking, and that walking-on-eggshells feeling of a baby late in the day. I realized that I would not have to feel that feeling for a while, yet. That what I have is comfort and ease, and I LIKE IT. I AM HAPPY.
But, for the record, about half the people I know are pregnant, and about all of them are telling me about all the other people they know who are pregnant, and you know what? It feels like one big fat club that I'm not part of. And this part doesn't feel so dreamy, convenient, and happy-for-now. It kind of feels, for now, as if being at the cottage made me feel just fine to drop out of the race, but now that I am back and it seems that the race is still going on for everyone else, I feel left out and a bit sad.
But in the context of my own home I still feel right with my decision.
See? The happy-sad mama. I can't escape it.