I just need to state, for the record, that while I have withdrawn my card from the baby pool for now, it is not really, truly with a big smile on my face. I talk a good game, eh?
No, I resign in utter defeat, feeling a bit beaten, and knowing that I need a good rest.
Yes, there are pieces of me that feel freed: it seems petty, even odd to say this. After spending a day and a bit with a friend's small baby, feeling that knot in my stomach when it seemed that she was waking, and that walking-on-eggshells feeling of a baby late in the day. I realized that I would not have to feel that feeling for a while, yet. That what I have is comfort and ease, and I LIKE IT. I AM HAPPY.
But, for the record, about half the people I know are pregnant, and about all of them are telling me about all the other people they know who are pregnant, and you know what? It feels like one big fat club that I'm not part of. And this part doesn't feel so dreamy, convenient, and happy-for-now. It kind of feels, for now, as if being at the cottage made me feel just fine to drop out of the race, but now that I am back and it seems that the race is still going on for everyone else, I feel left out and a bit sad.
But in the context of my own home I still feel right with my decision.
See? The happy-sad mama. I can't escape it.
5 comments:
Oh, Carol, you are so beautiful...
Carol, I would say that since you don't want to be getting pregnant right now to preserve Charlotte's month, then give yourself a break this month and maybe even next month and just start again in a couple months. That's not too long and then you can have a rest that's finite. Maybe that will help? (this coming from me, the person who doesn't even like to wait for the water to boil to make pasta:)
what i see around me are women who, despite easy conceptions and pregnancies and births and alive babies, are also happy-sad mamas. it's easy for me to think about how i'm screwed up because of my infertility, high-tech interventions, triplets, dead baby, and on and on...but when i look around i have to admit that we are all happy-sad. i am coming to the conclusion that it's motherhood itself that creates it, not our tragedies. i just have something to point to and blame for my happy-sadness, while other mamas i know just feel guilty and certifiable. it's certainly not what it's cracked up to be, and leaves me wondering if it would be different in a culture where the REALNESS of being/becoming a mother was embraced and acknowledged.
well, either way, it's an impossible decision to live with: another one or not? i don't know how people decide.
None of us are immune to sadness. But, sadness enriches us. Pain brings us wisdom and empathy.
You write so eloquently. Thank you for sharing.
YES!!! You write exactly what has been in my own heart for the past month. Yes, I adore my children, both those I have gotten through birth, and the one that was a big bonus from my husband. And yet there's a gap, possibly left by miscarrying the twins, possibly there because, evan before that, I wanted another child. Possibly it's pure, unadulterated babylust. And we have made family decisions that I feel are right, that do not allow room for another baby. But there's still that space that aches, that leaves me defeated and bruises. Happy-sad. What a gorgeous description. Thank you.
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