Thursday, August 21, 2008

Release

Sometimes there's this letting go of something that you've been hanging on to, and you don't even know why it happened. There is a lightness where before your belly tied itself up into a dull knot. You wonder why something felt so heavy, when now it feels like a passing concern.

I don't know what it is about now, but for the past number of months, I have been wanting, most desparately, you know what I am about to say, a baby. Looking back I don't know why. Because I like babies? Because I envision my family at some point growing? But why now? Why right now? I can't answer that. It just felt pressing, for whatever reason. I had never looked at Aoife and Liam and felt that my family was complete. I saw Aoife as a middle child, and needed that to come to fruition.

I don't know how much of this lightening has come from my cousin's baby being so sick, this new, disheartening reminder that you never know what you're going to get. I know this is a piece of it, that I don't really feel like now is the time to say, Hey, everyone! Guess what? I'm pregnant! I feel like the focus, the energy, needs to be elsewhere. I also feel as if Andrew has given me this sudden jolt, a jolt I didn't know I needed, to take a deep breath and say, wow. Look at those two little blonde beauties in front of you. This is perfection already. There is nothing that must be added.

This is all not to say that I don't, at some point, want to have another baby. I do. I truly do hope that I will be blessed with another baby someday. But I no longer feel a pressing urge. It does not have to be now. I actually find myself contemplating the benefits of larger and larger gaps between my children.

You can also do the math and figure that if I got pregnant around now, the due date would be in the middle of May. So I suppose this also plays into this, in fact I'm sure, that I actually fear being pregnant on that day, that I would cringe at a due date that could fall within days of her birthday. My heart jumps a little at the mere prospect that a sibling could steal her birthday, turn my darkest day which is only for her into a shared event. So yes, there is this.

But more than that, I realize that worrying, that anxiety, is playing into stealing some of the limelight from today. I am not spending the time that I could just knowing that I am so fortunate to have this family that is here with me, and in celebrating that I am so surrounded with people who I love, and who love me. So I'm postponing this wish, this desire, with my fullest confidence and a deep, contented breath. My life is so settled and clean right now, in such a sweet place. Why would I wish any of this away with a focus on an unfulfilled desire? Instead I choose to see my fulfilled desires, my amazing family, my husband, my beautiful children. The worry can wait.

3 comments:

Meg said...

You are such an incredible person. I find inspiration in your words every time you write. I am sure when the time is right, you'll have another sweet child. It's so good for you and your family for you not to stress about it. In fact, that may help you get pregnant sooner rather than later. But, however it works out, I know you'll appreciate it because that's the kind of person you are.
Also, my prayers and thoughts are with Andrew and his family, which includes you.

Janya said...

This is exactly the swift kick-in-the-ass I am needing. Your words are written at the perfect time, now I just need to take them to heart.

I love what you have to say about another child stealing Charlotte's birthday. It is a very honest and real confession. That is your time, yours and hers, and a very real, sacred piece of the calendar.

Thinking of you and your extended family, with all the joy and heartache that surrounds right now.

Janya

Heather said...

I love reading your blog. Your writing is so wise and uplifting.

I think so many miss the forest for the trees and your decision to enjoy your family as-is for now is truly awesome. Thinking of you.