My dear friend said to me yesterday, maybe I should have asked you out for coffee so we could have talked about her.
And I was grateful, but I realized that even though I want somebody to ask me about the sad parts, I don't really think I can talk about the sad parts to anyone.
I feel like a petulant child. I want you to ask, but I don't want to answer.
I want you to know, but I don't want to tell you.
I know some people who regularly appear so ungrateful for their children, they are constantly annoyed with them for acting... imagine this... like children.
And I want them to know the saddest, most awfullest parts, the deepest pain, I want to tell them in the most vivid details.
Not that I think they'd get less annoyed with their kids if they knew.
And not that I'd tell them.
Oh, it's so hard to want to tell, but to not want to say.
10 comments:
"I want you to ask, but I don't want to answer.
I want you to know, but I don't want to tell you."
That's exactly how I feel with my new mother's group. They know I'm not a "new" mother as such. They know there was a child who came before. But really, they don't know a great deal more than that.
This is all so hard. Funny how the same things trouble us, even though our losses were so many years apart.
xo
I feel that way every day.
Now I just blurt it out.
Exactly.
So much love to you in these days, Carol. I'll be thinking of you all tomorrow.
Oh, so true. :(
That's exactly how I feel. Ask me, please. Make me know that you remember my boys, that you care about me but don't expect me to answer. All I want is the question, the opportunity.
So true, Carol, so, so true! Anything, anything, but please, oh please, don't act like you don't remember. (Can you tell I'm coming up on a Mother's Day with my in-laws??)
i feel like a complete failure, often. i know the worst, most awful parts, but i still get incredibly frustrated and struggle with the simplest things. it's not them, it was delia, and a lot of times i resent them for being the ones who are here. so even though sometimes i think i'm better than everyone else and want them to know what real horror is, i'm even worse.
yes. just yes. i feel this way often. xo
Carol,
((((((::::::)))))
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