Saturday, November 22, 2008

This is still new to me; and somewhere I never thought I'd be.

How easy it was to put the blinders on; does one never stop being innocent in some ways, even when innocence is lost? I shake my head in dismay at myself, ashamed.

I just cringe at the memory of myself saying it, so many times: getting pregnant is the only thing I don't have trouble with.

As of now, having past the magical anniversary, I have had a multitude of tests all of which cannot determine why I would not be getting pregnant. Mysterious, unexplained infertility. Awesome.

And I am now at the point where, had I conceived when I thought I first would, I would be shopping for Christmas with babe in arms.

Today, as I was taking advantage of Northampton's pre-holiday "Bag Day" sale, I bumped into several people whom I had not seen in quite a while. Oh! They said, how many kids do you have now?

Two, I said, trying to keep a straight face. Just two. Not three. And not four. I realize the fourth baby never happened, but there is this feeling of almost wanting to justify the lack of the fourth almost as much (but not quite) as I want to remind people of the first. Bookends to my two living children, the "perfect family", to some people, but lacking to me. The ghost child and the child that didn't happen, they surround me now as I flicker my way through this life.

I have tried, please believe me. I look at my two gorgeous, happy, sprites that fill me with so much joy, and I try it out, like a mantra: this is my family, this is my family. They have each other. But I can't accept it. I don't know why, I just can't.


Meg said...

Carol, I'm sorry this is so hard for you. I hope you get what you want soon.

charmedgirl said...

oh jesus...i'm so sad to read this. there is only one thing worse, in my mind, than having a dead baby...and that's infertility after a dead baby, even if you've had two (hundred) in-between. welcome to the even darker side of DBL.

Hope's Mama said...

Carol I'm thinking of you. I can see you have a whole lot more mother-love to give. And I hope that some day soon, there is another little bundle for you to give it to. I really do hope for that.

Shannon said...

I know what you mean Carol, my doctor has even told me that I'm an "interesting case" because I've gotten pregnant before, but haven't been able to recently. Not exactly what a patient wants to hear.