Then, two events happened that changed this for me, and they happened in pretty rapid succession: One, an absolutely gigantic, humanized black bear nicknamed "Brutus" stalked my mother and I for about fifteen minutes and terrified the bejeezus out of us, and Two, I had children.
And what is it about the ocean? This vast openness, that makes you feel so liberated, that causes you to take deep breaths and to feel your heart beat? Every time I go to the ocean, walk by it, feel its swell and roll and mighty calm, I am taken. I know that if I had grown up by the ocean, I would be torn to leave. As it is, I feel calmed by it, and slightly long for it, but can manage having not smelled its salt and listened to its melodic crashing as I grew.
And so now I'm just really trying to get into a groove, a new groove. September does feel like a new start. I'm trying to have a new attitude. I have this cool little family who can actually do things. The peaches and raspberries are ripe in our neighborhood. My garden is flourishing. The river rages. Five years ago I lay prone on the floor, noticing nothing, bereft. Time does heal.