Another 6x6

Here's another writing activity from Glow In the Woods. You can read other's answers there if you're curious. And I'd be curious, if you're babylost like me, to see what you have to say about this. It's something that comes up a lot. I wrote about it back in March. And here's what I think now.

1 Do you feel as though a higher entity/supreme being/energy force has a presence in your life? What do you call it, and what makes you feel it exists?

Ooh. This is the trickiest one to answer. I guess to me, I feel like what's around me is a mystery. Things happen, like my daughter reading my mind, or Charlotte bringing me a balloon from 27 miles away, that make me realize that there is much more energy out there than I can calculate or see. I suppose I don't believe in one particular entity, maybe perhaps the unseen presence of many spirits or souls that are helping to move me through this world. What makes me feel it exists is, I suppose, a reluctance to admit that what I see might be all that's there.
I also love to imagine that really what's going on is that ALL the religions of the world are right, all at once, and that there's a lot going on up there that we don't know about.

2 Describe, in a word or two, the nature of your spiritual self before and then after the loss of your baby/babies.

Unsure, didn't care/ Unsure, certain my baby's soul is SOMEWHERE

3 Do you pray, even if you wouldn’t call it praying? To whom? What for?

Sometimes, I look at the sky (always the actual sky) and I talk. I beg. I don't know who I am talking to. Am I asking Charlotte? Anyone? I really don't know. But I do this sometimes. And what I ask for is for me to die before my children, but for me to see them grow old. That's about all I wish for. Lately I've been wishing my cousin's baby won't die. It's all about things happening in the order I think they ought to happen.

4 Is there a particular line of scripture/teaching/sentiment that you find particularly helpful? Or is there one that’s commonly referred to but is unhelpful?

I have found that any and all "religious" teachings that have been proffered to me as intended "support" have worked against me. I don't feel that any God had a plan, or a will for my baby to die, and I don't feel comforted by imagining that there might be a place called heaven or whatever where she might be with my grandmother or I might see her again some day. So no, nothing has really helped me in that sense.

5 Did your faith offer rites, rituals or teachings that acknowledged your baby and your healing? If not (or if you didn't seek it out in an organized fashion), what rites, rituals or mantras have you adopted as your own?

We say a grace before our meal and it's this, "We miss you Charlotte, and we love you." This is how the kids say it. Greg and I are more wordy, but it's the same thing. Charlotte has inspired me to be a good person, to be conscientious, to serve others, to do what's right. She deserves a little prayer.

6 Some people say that in a foxhole (a desperate, life-threatening situation), there are no atheists. You’ve been in a foxhole. Discuss.

Maybe this is true, because I do vehemently deny the idea that my child is nowhere, gone, poof. I could feel her energy in the room as she was leaving me. She was there. I do believe this with a strength I can't convey. And this might be just survival, this certainty I feel.