Sunday, September 7, 2008

It is inevitable that I will, at some point, after all these years of playing catch-up, get old.

So here I am, thirty-two years of age. I can't get pregnant anymore, for the first time this summer I ate all all the chips I wanted at the cottage and drank all the beer I felt like and I don't weigh the same as I did senior year in high school, and then, today, I went out to move wood chips in my beautiful woodland forest garden and threw out my damn back. So yeah, youth is great, too bad it's passed me by! Shit! Is this for real??!@$#&(*

Otherwise, hey! Everyone's here, everyone's healthy, and the SUN is shining so beautifully on our beautiful nook of the earth here today. The wind is gentle and steady, the leaves rustling, the river high and loud from yesterday's rain. The air smells at once moist and dry, my wood chips have fragranced it with a new smell that reminds me of my days in the woods at girl scout camp. The children were cross today, not wanting to take naps, but after much coercing, a little bribery, and about ten minutes of laps walked up and down the nursery, the afternoon here was quiet. I deleted the 1561 messages from my Freecycle inbox which I had ignored all summer after throwing out my back. Now I'm sitting here, feeling happy to be here, wondering what my life will hold for me.

This no-new-baby thing is really interesting for me, at this point. I suppose I harbour a little sadness, but there is also this challenge aspect to it, which isn't really sad at all. I haven't lost anything, after all, I've just lost my idea of what I thought would happen. Of what I thought my family would be like. I never imagined having these two kids only, or these two kids and then a big gap and then another one. And so now I'm sitting here, imagining, what will this be like? What will we do in the meantime, how can and how WILL we just love this life that we have?

A little blonde wood fairy just brought me a lovely, squished piece of banana. "I wish from all my heart," she says right now, "that you will come outside."

And so I will, of course.

After I eat the banana :)


Janya said...

I just know you're going to get pregnant...but what do I know :)

How is weaning going?


Jen said...

Carol, to read of your happiness, your appreciation of your life as it is, and to see the beautiful pictures of your radiant family-- this fills me with joy.

THAT GIRL said...

I love how when you write of the love for all of your children... it is so genuine, whether you are writing of pure joy, or agonizing sorrow. You drink up your children and love them like no other.

Meg said...

That was beautiful. I love how much you love your kids and how much you strive to be happy with what you have. If/when you get pregnant again, that kid will be very fortunate just like your others (all 3)!