Saturday, March 29, 2008

Thanks for your comments, so far.

I spent a lot of last night in bed stewing over the load of stream-of-consciousness garbage that I posted last time, and feeling quite embarrassed about it. But as someone said, maybe it's okay to post your thoughts, it shows how crazy we can think in the moment. I even thought about deleting it, when I woke up this morning and it kind of sunk in some more. But no.

I think what this boils down to is that I still harbor difficult feelings about somebody who was unsupportive to me, even dismissive, when my baby died, and is now asking for my family's support. I suppose it's all different when it's happening to you.

The most ironic thing about all of this, is it isn't even the mom we're dealing with. The mother of this baby IS optimistic, I think.

My whole thought process was trying to sort out how we can't compare, and we can't. I will never know what their family is going through, and I feel for them.

And I pray, from the bottom of my completely soul-filled, spiritual, but unreligious heart, that everybody goes home healthy and alive.

Peace, and sorry about that last post. I think I seemed as narrow-minded as the person I am complaining about. And really, I just want there to be some hope for that little boy. I want him to live.

It's 6:54 Am on a Saturday and I'm the only one up. Time for some coffee, my conscience having been lifted somewhat. I'm off to Newport RI with my sisters today! Hurray! We'll drink wine, have wonderful food, an d delight in each others' company. How lucky I am.


Awake said...

I wouldn't characterize what you wrote as garbage. It had to come out, and your blog is as good of place as any.

I totally understand the harboring of ill feelings. I'm dealing with that as well. Inlaws who completely ignored our miscarriage. I haven't made any progress on letting my anger go towards them. Of course this family will call us whenever they need something, big or small. Oh the joys.

Have fun with your sisters.

Jennifer said...

Don't delete your posts. You had to work this out, and this is the space for that.

I have been reading your blog for awhile, and I can relate. From the clompity-clomp comforting sounds of the Fetal Heartbeat Monitors, to the moments of peace that you feel with your living children, I've been there. You write the words that are floating around in my mind. Only much, much better than I could ever come up with.

I attempted to answer your question last night. I've had a full term stillbirth and a subsequent baby that spent two month in the NICU, and one month in the hospital. And a healthy little girl in between. I have been making lame attempts to write down my experiences in my blog, but it seems to come out so jumbled. I fluctuate from sadness, to worry, and to joy. Your post inspired me to write down my birth experiences and as I finished, I realized that there was no answer to your question. The pain of both situations is just that; pain, and hurt. It was good to get some of this out for me, so I thank you for that.

Keep the good work. It is healing for us all.

Jen said...

I'm really glad you didn't delete the post. I think it's important to record the process of feeling and coming to understanding. We are all navigating complexities of struggle, pain, and relationship, and your willingness to describe your experience is extremely valuable.

It pains me to know that you were the recipient of some super-insensitive comments. Of course all your buttons got pushed. I can't grasp how some people just don't think.

Please keep asking questions; please keep on telling the whole truth of your experience.