Friday, March 21, 2008


Oh, I know. The way you are reading this, the P.S. is coming before what I've already written. But you can figure this out.

I forgot that I had this great chuckle in the car today. A chuckle!
I was waiting at the end of the Coolidge bridge. The traffic here is always awful. There is a light. But it is only awful in the Western MA sense, which means that if you just kind of sing along to the music, and think about dinner, in about a minute you will be through it. So there was this absolutely anguished man behind me, and he was trying to sneak by me on the right to get into the right turn lane. I kept trying, to ease his pain, to move forward, but the truck in front of me was not doing the same. With each inch I would edge forward, the anguished man would try again, in vain, to squeeze between me and the guard rail. I did feel so sorry for him, and his problem with the traffic.
But I also laughed, with pure pleasure. Because I did not feel his pain. I don't know what has come over me, but I fucking love it. I just don't care about that anymore. I am so aware of the clock ticking and how it just doesn't matter for me if one or three minutes pass before I get through that light. About how nothing will make or break my life. It is so incredibly liberating.
This is not to say that I don't sometimes feel that anxiety about wanting to be somewhere faster, or that I don't sometimes get annoyed with annoying drivers. But I just don't feel that urge to push first through the door anymore. It feels so good to be the one holding the door and smiling.

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