So last night I did something that felt really good.
Do you remember my New Year's Resolution? It was,"I will not be so lazy." This was supposed to encompass a lot of things. Mostly it was supposed to mean that I dried and put away dishes right away after washing them, and that I decided whether clothes were clean or dirty and put them into the appropriate locations after removing them from my body, but I always extended my new mantra to everything. I think that, as a stay at home mom, the amount of "quantifiable" work that I do is very small, which often leaves me with the false impression that I don't do anything. I work on things all day long, but rarely do I devote enough consecutive time to one item to complete it. This is just the way it works out when you are home with kids and you put them first. There's nothing wrong with it, except that it is very different from the way I used to operate. It is also, to state it mildly, kind of exhausting, which means that when I put my little ones to bed at night I truly do feel like being lazy. The other night Greg and I stretched out on the couch together with some decaf cappuccino and talked in the semi-dark for half an hour before heading up to bed. Last night we sat at the tiny table at the kitchen and made a shopping list for the next day before packing up. Lately not much happens after the kids are in bed (which, mind you, happens pretty early). For some reason we are just feeling slammed and all we want to do is sleep.
So last night, as I was packing up, doing lunches, cleaning the kitchen, feeding the cats and bunny, picking up the last of the toys, my eyes wandered to my whiteboard. In big, black, capital letters, across the top of it, were the words: I WILL NOT BE SO LAZY.
Underneath it is my list of things I have to do:
Make a haircut appointment for my sister for the next time she comes
Drive by a house my mother in law is interested in looking at
Write two cover letters for things the hospital is going to send out
Call the newspaper and radio station about our fundraisers
Send a card to a young mother who lost a baby (anniversary coming up)
Watch 3 DVDs that I ordered for educational purposes for hospital staff (these being so absolutely horrifyingly depressing but really good tools to teach nurses/docs with)
Order dental alginate and stone for hand casts/learn how to do the hand casts
Put together packets for the Childbirth Center.

There are actually a few more things. These things are all going to get done in the next week. So do you know what I decided? Actually, I am not lazy. So I took a towel and I wiped off my New Year's resolution and I decided that I have met the criteria. Done.

Today Liam made me a little drawing. "It's to help you remember Charlotte, and for Daddy, too," he explained. Then he asked, "Does Aoife miss Charlotte like I do?"
"She will," I said. And I cried in my heart a little, thinking of my sisters and how much I adore them, and how I could never live without them. I cry for my daughter who will grow up without her sister, and for my son, because even though I don't know what a sister is like to a brother, I know in my heart he needs her just as I do. Sigh.