Saturday, December 1, 2007

Today I have six minutes.
That's fine.
Here are the few things I want to say.

I call myself Charlotte's mama for this reason. My two living babies are always with me. Everyone who sees me knows I am Liam and Aoife's mother. So it's nice when I have the opportunity to be Charlotte's mama.

I also want to tell you (who is you, I wonder? I write as if to an audience. This is very interesting to me) about Aoife's name.
We say it "Eh-fa"-- kind of like Ava with an f but a little flatter, the end a little more like feh than fah.
And I chose it because it's the Gaelic for Eve, which means Life or Living one. Could there be a more perfect name for my little living daughter?

Liam means resolute protector. We chose it because we liked it but I also felt that he was going to save me (he did) and protect me while he was here. He does.

Having my children here brings me SO much joy. They fill me. But there are these moments.

Today we got a beautiful Christmas tree. As Liam hung the first ornament on the perfectly lit, triangle shaped balsam fir in our fire-lit living room, Greg burst into tears. The kids looked so beautiful. If I had more than 2 minutes until our babysitter arrived I would put a picture of them. All happy things are sad, too, for us. Liam climbed on Greg's lap and said, I know you miss Charlotte. He cried into Liam's sweater.

Here's another thing. I now have a blog but basically I'm media free so this is a pretty big leap for me. No TV or Newspaper or anything like that. I have found it easier to live in my own little world and keep it that way. Greg tells me what he learns on NPR on the way to or from work if it might affect me but mostly I know not much. And of course this means a very slow dial up connection for our internet so you'll (there it is again! This imaginary you. I like this!) have to excuse me.

Tonight I will go to a Christmas party. I will laugh and tell stories with all these wonderful people and some of them will know about my Charlotte but some of them won't. I'll get a chance to mention her casually to some of them (I always look for ways to work her into the conversation). But I will smile and laugh and have fun.

2 comments:

C. said...

I came here from Erin's blog.
You write beautifully about your experience and your sweet Charlotte.

I hope the party was fun and you were able to laugh and enjoy yourself. I can't imagine laughing again and actually meaning it. You give me hope.

Birdies Mama said...

Carol....this is such a beautiful post. I am always beside myself and in tears when I hear about something Liam has said or done that is so innocent and yet so wise. He has such an incredible connection to you both...to you all. Its amazing to watch and see.