now

Twelve days have passed since I have visited here. I have been writing. I am working on something new, and my mind is there.

Fiona can sit up now, and she clearly understands some of the things I say. Against all odds, she is a champion napper, although she still consumes most of her calories by night. She is pure delight, and all of us couldn't be happier with her. I cannot believe how much my older children love her.

I am deeply happy right now. I am also feeling settled, and grounded. I can't explain this. I feel as if June sometimes feels this way to me, after the emotional ride that May takes me on.

One of the rather odd side effects of losing Charlotte is that it made me into a very tidy person. I used to joke that it was my form of anorexia, rather than seeing food as something I could control (and I did see that as an area of control, too, but I used it as a way of deriving pleasure out of my world through tasty things) I craved order and organization, and so I would tidy up my house. I would de-clutter and clean and feel oddly satisfied at what I'd accomplished. This has stuck, to a degree, although I am also practical and do not let my desire for order interfere with my children's lives. They are allowed to play and make a huge mess and I don't clean up anything that I think they are planning to use again in its same form. But the past few weeks of outdoor play have allowed me to turn the inside of my house into a sanctuary of organization. This, combined with the end of the school year and the fact that we will all be joyfully home together, makes me feel so settled.