Tuesday, June 22, 2010

now














Twelve days have passed since I have visited here. I have been writing. I am working on something new, and my mind is there.

Fiona can sit up now, and she clearly understands some of the things I say. Against all odds, she is a champion napper, although she still consumes most of her calories by night. She is pure delight, and all of us couldn't be happier with her. I cannot believe how much my older children love her.


I am deeply happy right now. I am also feeling settled, and grounded. I can't explain this. I feel as if June sometimes feels this way to me, after the emotional ride that May takes me on.


One of the rather odd side effects of losing Charlotte is that it made me into a very tidy person. I used to joke that it was my form of anorexia, rather than seeing food as something I could control (and I did see that as an area of control, too, but I used it as a way of deriving pleasure out of my world through tasty things) I craved order and organization, and so I would tidy up my house. I would de-clutter and clean and feel oddly satisfied at what I'd accomplished. This has stuck, to a degree, although I am also practical and do not let my desire for order interfere with my children's lives. They are allowed to play and make a huge mess and I don't clean up anything that I think they are planning to use again in its same form. But the past few weeks of outdoor play have allowed me to turn the inside of my house into a sanctuary of organization. This, combined with the end of the school year and the fact that we will all be joyfully home together, makes me feel so settled.










4 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

This is all so lovely to hear. Angus is loving sitting up. Seeing the world from a whole new perspective.
Looking forward to September for the same reasons.
Your children are adorable and I'm struck by how much Aoife seems to look like you! Fiona looks a lot like Charlotte, I think.
xo

Erika P said...

They are so sweet! Liam's relationship with Fiona brings me so much hope and warmth, because if I manage to have another baby who lives, there will be five years between that child and Austin and I worry sometimes what their relationship will be like with that large (larger than we planned, anyway) age gap.

I'm feeling very unsettled right now, in the midst of a very busy time at work and with Sierra's first birthday approaching fast. Reading this was refreshing; the hope and peace in your voice gives me hope. I'm so glad you're feeling settled and embarking on new projects. Looking forward to seeing you tonight!

caitsmom said...

Always encouraging to read that there is a new normal after the death of a child---a normal that includes our children and where mom can not only survive, but thrive. Thanks for posting.

Adelaide's Mom said...

Glad to have you back...missed you. Liam looks so old. A real big kid! Oh my. When do you leave for the lake?

xo