Tuesday, November 3, 2009

37 weeks, 4 days

Okay, I admit it.
I have arrived at the point of no return.
I am scared shitless and I want this baby to come out RIGHT NOW.
It is fully cooked, all grown, ready to be born and I don't feel patient or zen or anything like that anymore. My power of mind to withhold anxious thoughts is waning. The baby is alive right now.
I want it OUT.
There is something about the fact that the entire zone within which the baby might be born now falls within the next month--- even if I were to be a full two weeks late, which I would never allow myself to be, a month from now it would all be settled.
And that's how I view this-- not that, a month from now I will have a baby, but that a month from now I will know.
I will know what the outcome is, I will know whether I am growing my family or shattering its very core, I will know if I have given my living children a gift or a lifetime of heartache.

I need to know. I hope I will not have to wait too much longer.

15 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

Oh mama, I know, I know! I said that to the ob on Monday "I just want him OUT!"
I feel like, what are we waiting for here? I'm ready, he's ready - why keep baking him? Surely everyone can hear me ticking? Even over there on the other side of the world. I really do feel like that time bomb....
xo

Sara said...

I wish you could just be waiting for the baby, not to know. Still holding so much hope for you . . . and sending gentle nudges to baby to get moving!

kris said...

I am holding confidence now...confidence that a warm, squirmy, pink baby will be in your arms so very soon. But not soon enough, I know. You CAN do this, Carol. You will.

Heather said...

Thinking of you. Hoping for happy endings REALLY soon. The last days feel like forever.

Adelaide said...

Thinking of you! Hope your little bun arrives soon. I keep checking your blog for news.... xo

Mel said...

I know it is really, really hard. I only had to wait until 36-37 weeks for my last two, and that was killing me. I'm confident that everything will turn out fine for you and this baby, but is there any way you can get the baby out now (just for your own sanity)?

Now that my baby is out and alive and I don't have to worry about my uterus rupturing, my focus has shifted to worrying that I will lose her to influenza. I would love to have the innocence of my friends that have not experienced a loss.

erica said...

Thinking of you and hoping for a safe arrival (soon!). I wish this wasn't so hard.

Beth said...

your doctors wont take the baby now?

Cara said...

Oh I remember that feeling! Proactive action just felt RIGHT.

I can't wait to her your news and the way your baby made it into the world!!!

Erika P said...

I'm sorry that it's so hard and also wish things could be different. I'm still here, still waiting and hoping with you. Still holding tight to an image of you cradling your new, perfect, living babe in your arms. Come out soon, little one - your family and many friends need to meet you now. (And although it absolutely doesn't matter - I have to admit to being curious as to whether this one is a boy or girl.)
xo

Charlotte's Mama said...

So I can't really get it out... I would be induced if I hadn't had a son who did a backflip five years ago landing me with a c-section. So now I am un-inducable and I just have to be PATIENT. Aoife was 1 week early so I have to hope I can will this one out a bit early as well.
I am having lots of acupuncture and also of course doing all the "usual" tricks to try to bring it on. I will keep you posted!

Charlotte's Mama said...

So I can't really get it out... I would be induced if I hadn't had a son who did a backflip five years ago landing me with a c-section. So now I am un-inducable and I just have to be PATIENT. Aoife was 1 week early so I have to hope I can will this one out a bit early as well.
I am having lots of acupuncture and also of course doing all the "usual" tricks to try to bring it on. I will keep you posted!

Lara said...

Remembering that head space in the last weeks and days-ahhhhhhhhh. Hang in there Carol and get ready to push. I can hear that pink beautiful baby screaming and crying now! Keep up with the usual tricks! Much Love and Hope for you and the family!

Love,
Lara

Lara said...

Remembering that head space in the last weeks and days-ahhhhhhhhh. Hang in there Carol and get ready to push. I can hear that pink beautiful baby screaming and crying now! Keep up with the usual tricks! Much Love and Hope for you and the family!

Love,
Lara

~TH said...

Though I have never met you in person... I am just as excited and full of joy for you... happily anticipating your baby's emergence.

I am praying for you. Praying especially for a safe, smooth, special delivery with a pink & screaming... vigorous infant. I know you will reserve those feelings until you gaze at eachother for the first time... but yet my heart continues to imagine the perfect new beginning just for you!