Tuesday, October 20, 2009

In The Zone

So I'm not posting much.


This is not rocket science.

This is the place where I write about Charlotte, and while she is so close to my heart, I just can't rehash this right now. I am teetering on a precipice. I am a ticking time bomb who is trying not to think about it. I am weeks away from what could be the most amazing moment. And really will be, no matter what. But there are terrifying thoughts to be had, and it's all I can do not to have them.

I am booked to go and speak at the University of Massachusetts on Friday, a talk I have done 3-4 times a year for the past three years. I love doing it-- I speak to these fresh, willing nursing students who are so ready to hear my story and what I've got to say about how they can go out there into the hospitals and childbirth centers and make a difference in some poor bereaved family's life. I am always so grateful for the opportunity to do this talk.

But this time? I keep imagining calling it off. Can I really do this? Walk in there with my big, 36 week belly protruding out, and tell the story about how one night my baby was rocking and rolling and then suddenly she died?

I will, of course, but I'm going to have to really call in the psychological blinders to help me to say the words, but not process or remember while I'm saying them. It is so horrifying for me to go there right now. I have to stay as far away as possible, to save my baby. My little, happy, squirming baby who has no idea.

Oh, please, oh, please. Let's hope this baby decides to be born in a few weeks. Then we'll know once and for all.

(This is the fantasy I have each and every time someone asks me if I'm having a boy or a girl, which happens about 5 times a day. I want to say to them, I don't know, and I don't care. To me the only mystery is whether the baby lives or dies, and if I can be patient enough for that, god knows whether it's a boy or a girl matters quite little. But I have never said this, and I know I never will. Please don't take this the wrong way if you are someone who likes to find out. It's not about that, it's just how I'm hearing the question: as if the only mystery the person can wonder about is whether it is a boy or a girl, while I hunger for life itself).


Rachel said...

I can't wait to see the post about how your happy healthy son or daughter made its entrance into the world.

Hope's Mama said...

I've missed you, Carol! I thought there might have been news already. We did find out this time around, but it was a big surprise with Hope. A surprise in more ways than one, as you well know. We had never, ever wanted to find out the gender of any of our children, but losing Hope has changed that. We just felt we needed to know this time. If all goes well, and I dare to do this again, we might try the surprise option again. But I can't think that far ahead, not yet! That said though, I get asked that question a lot and I feel the same as you - doesn't really matter, just so long as they get him out on time. It feels more to me like a rescue mission rather than a birth, and I think I might have stolen those words from you!
Wishing you well my friend. Racing you to the finish line and on standby for your news!

Taking Heart said...

Search and Rescue... just like Hope's Mama mentioned. That is my job... and I envision it the way you do... every birth is an opportunity... a mission. It is also a dance... and I pray you dance, Carol.

Stay strong Mama. Stay strong... your baby will have air in her lungs soon enough... and you can then breathe again.

My prayers are with you... as well as with Hope's Mama.

ezra'smommy said...

Indeed, living or dead is all I can differentiate with this baby I am carrying. I know he's a boy, but that isn't really the mysterious part. Which you peace and gentle times in these last few weeks.

Ya Chun said...

we always say 'it doesn't matter, as long as it is healthy' which i guess people don't understand. Of course, we did find out he first time anyway - cause I like to Plan.

Can't wait to meet this little one - soon!

dude said...

please know that we are all standing with you, holding on to you so you don't fall over that edge.
Hold on to the one thing you KNOW FOR SURE, how much your baby is loved.

what you do, in talking is help so many other mothers, and fathers. you are truley a blessing to them all

erica said...

Wishing you peace and strength and hoping hard for you.

Taking Heart said...

Because you have been such an inspiration to me... I selected you or a traveling blog award. I mentioned you on my blog. ~TH

kris said...

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, Carol. You give these students such a gift, giving them a perspective they wouldn't normally get, making Charlotte real for them.

Take good care in these weeks. I look forward to hearing about the arrival of your little one.