Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Sad

Today my sweet son threw a temper tantrum on the playground after school and we departed in disgrace, me shouting at the children, with one borrowed one under my arm as I stormed out of the yard after my two towards our sweltering car.
I imagined that if I had been watching myself I would have been shocked at my tone of voice, of my volume as I shouted the kids out the gate and into the car, my small, silent charge in tow.
It was 96 degrees and Liam wanted me to chase him and his friends. I said no, it was too hot, and I had the baby to watch to boot, and he got angry and belligerant and so I told him we had to go. That was what started it.
The other mothers watched. Their children were running around happily. They all sat in the shade and talked. Some of them had one other child of their own, some just one school aged child playing peacefully with her friends. Nobody was babysitting. Nobody had a non-profit to run at home with no babysitter or extra income to hire one. Nobody else's husband left home at 5 each morning . Nobody elses child was pitching a fit.
And you know what, I thought, as I drove home, with huge tears streaming down my cheeks? Nobody else has a dead child following her through her day, invisibly pulling her down because she knows this awful, drenching sadness that is incomparable to anything else. Nobody else has to know the pain of a baby lost. This is, of course, at the bottom of it all, this is the real reason why I feel sorry for myself. Not because I struggle to run my group on non-existant resources. Not because I babysit too much. Not because my child happened to have a bad day. Because my almost six year old is dead.
I cried, and cried, and cried for myself, for a long time.

11 comments:

Ya Chun said...

Please don't judge yourself by what you *think* other people think. You are doing fine, and every one has bad days.

So sorry that Charlotte is not here.

Hope's Mama said...

This makes me sad too, Carol.
I wish she was here.

Inanna said...

I had one of those days, too.

Big HUGS.

kris said...

Oh, Carol. Know that we are sad with you. Not for you, but WITH you. I will carry you, Charlotte, Greg, Liam, and Aoife in my mind and heart in a special way these next few weeks.

caitsmom said...

Sending lots of hugs and love.

Delia said...

I'm so sorry! It's days like this that I just want to run away from everything!

Heather said...

You deserve to be sad. Once you've known sadness like you have, it's impossible for it not to follow you around.

I so wish you were planning a sixth birthday party right now. I wish your Charlotte was here on earth with you.

Jen said...

I am sad too, reading this, and knowing that May 13 is fast approaching. Yesterday I saw a lilac bush starting to put out flower buds and it made me think of Charlotte and how much I wished she was here. I'm sorry you must cope with everything at once.

rebeccaeee said...

You don't have to justify or identify or even explore your sadness. Mommies who are not babylost have moments like that with Liam and Aoife too. I find the "transition" from out of routine back into routine (like, post-vacation, preschool holidays, midweek evenings out) always causes friction with my boy. Sounds like Liam chose an inopportune moment to assert himself, which is how little boys learn and grow. And, of course, you're back on the roller coaster that is May again too. Thinking of you and Charlotte these nexy few weeks.

Cara said...

Met a mom last night whose full term loss happened 35 years ago. We cried together - it's still there. Always there - and they don't know.

xoxo

CLC said...

Sorry you had such a tough day. It's always there, isn't it? I am sorry she is not here with you.