Monday, February 9, 2009

It grieves me that my last post stood front and center for so very long... and I thank you sincerely for your comments. The truth of my situation is that while the injustice is certainly there, it rears its ugly head in the form of self-pity almost rarely; for the mostpart I am carrying on with some degree of faith that at some point in my life, at some point in my future, I will be graced with the gift of carrying another life, and when that time comes, it will come.
These words flow as easily today as the rant recounted in the previous post.
Ironically the underlying purpose of the last post was less of a pity-party, and more of a muse: what does it mean to be desperate for another baby, with two already walking and talking around my love-filled household? How much of what I long for is that my vision of my family always consisted of something larger than three, and how much of it is this nagging pull towards another, another, another?
Certainly I never thought of myself as somebody who would have two children. I grew up with three in my home. There was a point, when I was about eight, when my sisters and I were called to the table for a family meeting. My hopes soared: this could only mean one thing. My mother was having another baby! I was delighted: I loved babies, and perhaps this would mean the brother I had always hoped for. I near skipped down the stairs only to learn that my mother was not pregnant and that, in fact, she was going to have a small "procedure" the next day, which would diminish the possibility of me ever having that brother t0, well, about .002 percent. Whoops.
That anecdote serves to say that I always dreamed of a big family; my sisters are so amazing and I draw so much from them. Our family had so much fun together I could never help but imagine how the fun could grow with more. Thus it has always been my dream to have a small flock of children. I counter my slightly-offish guilt about world population growth by imagining that the children I produce will certainly be generous, thoughtful, intelligent citizens of the world who will better it as they move through it.
I absolutely respect the family choices that people make for themselves, and so I hasten to say this but it's true for myself, that from where I stand, I feel very sorry for only children, and I never even envisioned myself with two-- it all seemed two simple, two hands, two children, two knees. Only one person to tell the "Can you believe what Mom did?" story to. The long and the short of it is, I never imagined I would stop here, with two. (and I haven't, I'm just SAYING)
So this is the irony, I think this is where this all plays in. I think to myself, I never thought I would stop here, with two. BUT I HAD THREE!! I'm NOT stopping at two, I'm stopping at THREE, but I don't have three. So this seems kind of unbalanced and makes me uncomfortable. There is a part of me that would like to think that my frustration would be lessened and my patience extended if I hadn't actually birthed three children, but of course I will never know.

So today is a good day, and I would venture to say that probably 29 days out of the month are good days. I am really not stressed about this on a regular basis. My modus operandus in life has always been this: I am happy, happy, happy, calm, optimistic, cheery, excited, almost all the time: except when I'm not. And then everything that hasn't been expressed in those weeks of happiness comes explosively outward, funneling itself into an irrational flurry of anger and frustration and all those other things I could be feeling on a daily basis but choose not to. I hate to line this up on a monthly cycle but let's be honest here, hormones DO play a role in all of this. So fear not when you get a post like the last one, all is not lost. Give me an encouraging comment and I'll be back on my feet in at least 24 hours, if not sooner.

8 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

My counsellor asked me last week how my moods were, and I told her it depended where I was in my cycle and what my hormones were doing. Right now, I'm in that annoying "I could be pregnant phase". So I'm feeling good and there is a spring in my step. But ask me again late next week, and I may sadly be right back where you were at your last post. I'm very much living in two week chunks. It is so tiring. Glad to hear you're feeling up again Carol. We'll be here to catch you if you fall again.

Justin's Mom said...

Carol, I am hoping you are feeling better about yourself. We are going through the same thing with trying and not being sucessful. I guess time will tell.

Cara said...

Carol - you are, without question, one of the most calm, cheerful, happy and accepting people I've ever met. I left your house with perspective I've never had.

You children - all of them - will no doubt bring that to the world.

xoxo

PS - meeting Wed - call me crazy but I think I found the PERFECT meeting place and will have to re-print ALL the brochures!

Sara said...

I so get your sense of imbalance. I've always thought that I'd have two or three kids. I never thought I might end up with both--three total, two here. (I'm not getting ahead of myself here, but I'd really like Kathleen to grow up with a sibling.)

ezra'smommy said...

Indeed its so hard to reconcile what we imagined family to be with what it has become for all of us. I always envisioned two children, both of us grew up with one sibling. And yet I wonder if we are ever able to bring a living child into this world whether that will be it, we'll have our two, even if only one will physically inhabit our home.

ezra'smommy said...

Indeed its so hard to reconcile what we imagined family to be with what it has become for all of us. I always envisioned two children, both of us grew up with one sibling. And yet I wonder if we are ever able to bring a living child into this world whether that will be it, we'll have our two, even if only one will physically inhabit our home.

Amy said...

The unbalance.... I know what you mean. I had the vision of having a birth child, and adopting a child. Two sweet babies in my home. But now, here I am, having birthed a child, but with no babies at home. Always one less, and one more, at the same time.

Never one to be victim of PMS, I did not understand my intense anger, and over all pissedoffness at the world recently. PMS hit hard. I think your description of calm, happy, then BAM is right on.

Your write beautifully.

mommymichael said...

my husband is an only child. and for him, in his situation growing up... i feel very sorry that i he didn't have any siblings.

his dad was very strict. and his parents cared more about advancing their careers to even be home all that much to begin with. it's all very heartbreaking.

i think if they'd had more children he'd at least would have had some of the pressure taken off his shoulders.

i can completely understand that pull to have more children. i myself want a large family, and my husband is wanting to stop at 3. we have 2 right now, but i always envisioned 6.
i guess we'll see what life brings.