Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I've been missing, and there is a reason.
A few days after my last post, I went and had an ultrasound, and there was something that was of concern... mostly to me. It was concerning, slightly, to my practitioners, but not of enough concern to take any sort of action. Honestly, truly, I can't even speak the words to explain the story, because I can't add drama to the possibilities that might befall my life and this baby. Suffice it to say there was legitimate concern, and I went into a sort of self-insulating hibernation, a terror that affixed me in one spot and rendered me unable to even speak of my life at this juncture.
I moved decisively from the "when" mode, to the "if" mode, when thinking about everything in my future again. I had previously been priding myself on how strongly I had been standing in the "when" camp, perhaps not always with super-great confidence, but there for the most part, at least. But it was a quick decline back into feeling like this baby was a remote possibility at best. All this when I am a stone's throw from the range of delivery: at 35 weeks I was almost there, but not yet.
So I sat and wallowed in terror and resignation: perhaps, rather than some sort of atonement for what May has brought in the past, I was going to relive my past.
Today I had another ultrasound, and the "cause for concern" seems to not be a cause for concern anymore. Not that I am now definitively unconcerned, but I could see it for myself, so now at the very least I can explain to you that I chose not to post because I was sure it was all going down the tubes, but now I can post confidently that while I remain white-knuckled, clinging to hope with every shred of my existence, the technical, actual cause for concern seems to have miraculously disappeared.
I am due in 4 weeks, and I wish it were 4 days.