Sunday, January 9, 2011

I'm here tonight to write about guilt.
It's a strange position I find myself in, one that might be foreign to almost everyone else I know. But for me, when the time comes where I have to confess that I'm pregnant, I hate to do it. I know that I will crush some people, make them feel jealous, awkward, and angry at the world. I know that my good fortune will be one more lashing for a good percentage of the people in my life. I know that having another baby will build a wall between me and some people I hold very, very dear.
Although with Fiona I so hesitated to write about my pregnancy here for this exact reason, I'm making a conscious effort not to do so this time. My rationale behind this is that each one of you can choose to read or not to read. I'm not a person who blogs so her family and friends can follow her, I blog for purely selfish reasons, to dump my innermost thoughts down into print. I've probably only told about five people about this blog in the three years I've had it. Therefore it seems bordering on ridiculous to censor myself because of my perceived audience. I know many of you are, indeed, baby lost, but I really don't know many of you. So here, I am going to allow myself a lifting of the guilt, and know that you will read if you so choose, and skip the parts that you don't like.
But out in the world, I'm growing everly more self conscious of my pregnancy. Now I am 21 weeks and you can see that I am pregnant. I still haven't had the experience of someone approaching me and calling me on it, but I'm really guessing that has more to do with the baby in my arms and less to do with my protruding belly. It's much smaller than it was with Fiona, but it's there. Perhaps the winter coats and sweaters are doing me a favor. Whatever the reason, I'm still in the closet, but I have to come out.
The most important place I have to come out is to the support group I run. Last time around I made the announcement at the end of the August meeting, just barely visibly pregnant, and then I didn't come back. I was so terrified of people seeing me. This time I'm toying with the idea of making the announcement this month that next month will be my last meeting to facilitate. I'm showing, but with the right outfit I could definitely conceal it for this time. But I'm wondering if this is a dumb idea. Will people instantly not want to be near me when they find out? Will I cause them pain just by being in the room, when they know that information?
I am so terrified of making people sad. I feel ashamed and awkward about having to share this information, and if it wouldn't sound so ridiculous I would want to tell people that I really don't want them to talk to me about it at all. It feels so dreadful to me to be admitting my good fortune to people who would give anything to be where I am, pregnant with my fourth child who might live, with three glowing babies at home. I am so afraid that people will congratulate me , because I really don't want to be congratulated by the bereaved. It just feels to awful and awkward.
There are a number of people who I have pretty good friendships with who are relatively recently bereaved who don't know yet. I am starting to feel deceptive by not sharing this information, but I'm just so incredibly afraid of how to say it, when to say it, and how to do it without making them feel awful. And I'm also just postponing the possibility that they may have to drop out of my life for a while.
And, for those friends who are bereaved and do know, now that I am starting to look pregnant, and realizing that sometime in the future I may actually have a newborn baby, this also feels like a loss of sorts. I realize that some distance may have to occur, and I accept this as what may have to happen. I hope they know this.
I'm just so worried right now. I wish I could keep this a secret forever so people wouldn't have to know about what's good for me. I hate, hate, hate the fact that when good things happen to me, by default because of the role I serve and the friends I have, my good fortune brings others pain. There are a few friends who I shared this news with who have never spoken to me since then. This makes me sad, but I have to try to understand where they are coming from. Sometimes it's just too hard.
I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish I could have my baby and just feel happy, happy, happy about it. Honestly, I'd even accept the fear and anxiety that sometimes sends me reeling, but I wish that me having another baby wouldn't make other people really, really sad.
Because I'm not in the business of making people sad. I'm just not.

11 comments:

Ya Chun said...

Maybe tell them toward the end of the meeting? You'll figure out a good way.

I remember when we were 'recently bereaved'. The first person we were happy to hear about being pregnant was someone who had lost her first. There's some leeway for the fellow bereaved. And before we became pregnant, I purposely kept reading those 'ahead' of me, for inspiration and hope. For example, it interests me that subsequent pregnancies don't really seem to get easier or less complicated no matter its number and how many good outcomes after the one terrible one.

And by all means, blog what you need to! You've got to process.

Xoxo to you and all your babes.

Jenni said...

well, that blows. i'm sorry you are feeling this way. for the record, i have no bad feelings about your pregnancy. mostly i just want to be pregnant too. but that's me wanting my baby, not your baby. i'm truly very happy for you!

i know you are in a bind b/c of your leadership role in the group.
personally i think you should do whatever leaves you feeling like your integrity is intact. you are so lovely and helpful to everyone - it doesn't seem right that you should have to skulk around. i know it will be hard for some, but i think many others will be thrilled for you. like ya chun says, there are different rules for the bereaved. xo

rebeccaeee said...

I'm totally objective and yet not authoritative since I am not a babylost mama, but I think your pregnancy might give people hope if they are in a spot where they can feel like there is something after grief. As you say, some folks are not able to be around you if you are preggo b/c it is too painful but I have always found your blog and your story to be bittersweet. You are proof that the story continues beside the grief and that sometimes families go grow and sometimes those who are the saddest are also capable of having much happiness. You are entitled to be happy- so be it. Come out and hope that those who are ready can embrace it. Congrats on the babe!

Pietrowski's of North Andover said...

It's unfair that you are not able to just feel how you want/need to feel. I think it's incredibly noble of you to be so utterly concerned and worried about how your life might effect the feelings of others--

I think that anyone who follows your blog can see how truly grateful and appreciative you are of what you do have in your life-- you have a gift for seeing the beauty in your life and sharing that beauty --and your chronicles have become a source comfort (for me at least)...

...others might envy you... but I would like to think that so many who follow you would also be able to be so incredibly happy for you as well!

So CONGRATULATIONS!!! And enjoy every minute!

Christy said...

I wish you didn't feel this way but I understand. I've been on both sides, too. I wanted so badly to get pregnant and read about so many babyloss moms' rainbow pregnancies that should be coinciding with mine but they got pregnant & I hadn't yet.....until finally I stepped away from the blog world for a while. I just needed to remove myself from it until it happened for me....then I gradually came back.

Because being pregnant *should* be a happy time. You are supposed to be unconditionally happy and full of joy. The reality of being baby loss leaves some of that to be desired, for several reasons. the nice thing about this community is you can "shut it off" like that when you need to. And turn it back on and start sharing again. I understand your position with your group and not feeling this way.....but wishing you could. From these comments so far and from what I've read in posts & comments, is that you are not judged by other baby loss moms. They understand....even if their story is quite a bit different from yours. The fact that we all share the loss of our babies puts us in a place where we don't judge how someone else feels.....and if it means stepping away, so be it, but it doesn't mean you don't like that person anymore or have negative feelings for them. It just has to do with what you want for yourself and that little rainbow is soooooo important that stepping away, or not talking to you for a while, is not something to be offended by or hurt by, but that is just how some will deal. You didn't hurt them by getting pregnant, you just remind them of what they don't have.....but that is this life we live. For all of us. Everytime I see a toddler Chase's age, even if I know them well, I am sad. I am not mad at the mom of that toddler....just reminded.
It's not fair for you to be anything but happy for your pregnancy. I wish for you peace and that you find your deserved joy in these next few months. Your heart is big....and you wish others didn't have to endure pain, or that you could take it away for them. But you can't. They have to endure life just like you do. Wishing you all the best....

Christy said...

I wish you didn't feel this way but I understand. I've been on both sides, too. I wanted so badly to get pregnant and read about so many babyloss moms' rainbow pregnancies that should be coinciding with mine but they got pregnant & I hadn't yet.....until finally I stepped away from the blog world for a while. I just needed to remove myself from it until it happened for me....then I gradually came back.

Because being pregnant *should* be a happy time. You are supposed to be unconditionally happy and full of joy. The reality of being baby loss leaves some of that to be desired, for several reasons. the nice thing about this community is you can "shut it off" like that when you need to. And turn it back on and start sharing again. I understand your position with your group and not feeling this way.....but wishing you could. From these comments so far and from what I've read in posts & comments, is that you are not judged by other baby loss moms. They understand....even if their story is quite a bit different from yours. The fact that we all share the loss of our babies puts us in a place where we don't judge how someone else feels.....and if it means stepping away, so be it, but it doesn't mean you don't like that person anymore or have negative feelings for them. It just has to do with what you want for yourself and that little rainbow is soooooo important that stepping away, or not talking to you for a while, is not something to be offended by or hurt by, but that is just how some will deal. You didn't hurt them by getting pregnant, you just remind them of what they don't have.....but that is this life we live. For all of us. Everytime I see a toddler Chase's age, even if I know them well, I am sad. I am not mad at the mom of that toddler....just reminded.

Christy said...

(sorry---ran out of room above!)
It's not fair for you to be anything but happy for your pregnancy. I wish for you peace and that you find your deserved joy in these next few months. Your heart is big....and you wish others didn't have to endure pain, or that you could take it away for them. But you can't. They have to endure life just like you do. Wishing you all the best....

Sarah Bain said...

I know. I get it; I totally do, but I bet you are projecting more than you need to. I'd be the first to admit, I'm the first one to feel sad or frustrated when someone tells me they are pregnant or just had a girl. But really, even if I had 10 more, I'm still babylost and what I'm really missing is Grace so it's not about them, it's about me. It's my ache.

I'm pretty sure though most people will be okay. You are lovely and deserving and I don't know now, knowing what I know, knowing that babies die, how to ever feel unabashed, unadulterated joy for days on end without a tinge of something else.

Even when I feel joy with my other kids, guilt can surface, but I'm pretty certain that Charlotte wouldn't have it any other way for you. Joy. You've got it right inside you right now! :)

Kimberly said...

I'm not sure what to say about this, not being a babylost mama myself. I guess I believe that people are more resiliant than we sometimes think. And that maybe you "coming out" is part of another persons journey to healing. Like a beacon of light, where they would like to be someday, and the hope they can get there.

Congrats on the wee one!

Lara said...

Oh Carol you are so lovely. I am jealous in a very loving way. I am also completely satisfied and blissful with my two beautiful girls that sandwich their brother baby taz. They call him a star-the baby taz star when they look into the big sky on a clear night. As Sarah said I will always be jealous when someone has a healthy baby boy. i will always wonder what it would be like to mother a boy. But you and your blog bring such tender love and joy-and as you said it is your blog. As much as we all want to be the one that helps a bereaved moma heal - when you step off someone else will step up to help in your support group. Wow, I love the little wiggle worm in your belly. Even those who physically and emotionally need to take a break because your belly is too hard for them right now want you to be happy and have a healthy baby. Please blissfully enjoy the next 4 and 1/2 months for all of us. I look forward to reading every post about the little one dancing an Irish jig in your belly.

Erika P said...

I hear that you feel guilty and unhappy about making others sad with your announcements of pregnancy or a new baby, and that this is an inevitable effect of your position as group leader and of who your friends are. But what I know is true about you is that you always treat babylost families with great gentleness, compassion, and understanding. I know your pregnancy with Fiona (and seeing her as a newborn) was easier for me to bear because you acknowledged that it would be difficult for me, and frankly, because you are babylost too, and a friend. I trust that you will be able to find a way to announce your pregnancy that will feel gentle to you and to the babylost parents you have to announce to, and that you'll find your way back to the friends who might need some distance for a time, although I know it's hard. And I'm ready to help you with the group whenever you are ready. (By the March meeting I'll have completed 4 of the 6 MotherWoman facilitator training sessions.) xoxox