Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Twelfth

Tonight I feel the strength of the anticipation of grief, the anticipation that squeezed you with such force that you can scarcely breathe. I look back on the fear, on the unknown, on not knowing how I can be, or will be, on the day that has ceased to be a day.
It is inevitable that I buy milk, cheese, eggs that expire on the 13th of May, it is almost like a warning: it is coming, it is coming.
Now, these years, I feel it come, and it's warm, salty water washing over me, I'm a diluted form of myself, a film over my eyes for several weeks. I know the dim light will warm, and that the day will bring what it will bring. But still I stagger through the world, amazed that they all schedule doctors appointments and plan to grocery shop on the day that isn't a day for me anymore.
But that first year, it was fear I felt, pure and plain, and the fear was of not being able to stop the day from coming. I was paralyzed by the fear, immobilized by my inability to do anything to make anything better. Could it be that if I stopped the day from coming, that somehow the twelfth of May would morph back into the day I realized she was in peril, and the baby was saved?
It is the only day I could have saved her, and by the time I get to the thirteenth, it is too late. It is too late every time.


butterflymom said...

I find it so interesting that everyone has something that hits remembrance of his/her babies. I couldn't handle Thursdays for such a long time...and now it's gotten to the point that it's the 22nd. It just hits...and I'm aware, just as you do. I also feel very much the same feeling about the desire to know what I could have done differently before the 22nd. I just wish I had known.... I wish I could have saved her. Hugs to you tonight...and always.

Hope's Mama said...

Along the same lines as butterflymom, I can't handle it when the days and dates align and it is Monday the 18th, indeed the day the baby most probably could have been saved, yet it was the day she died. Then when it is Tuesday the 19th. Doesn't happen all that often, but when it does it knocks the wind out of me.
This year I remember seeing that a few movies were coming out on August 19. I couldn't believe that Holly.wood blockbusters would still screen on the second anniversary of the stillbirth of my first baby. I got so sick of seeing that date being used for things other than my mourning, including milk expiration dates.
I totally got this post.

Erika P said...

Thanks, Carol. You are such a help and a comfort to those of us following behind you on this sad journey.