Saturday, January 30, 2010

3 girls and a boy...

I remember how much I wanted to tattoo the words "I am a mother" on my forehead that summer, so that everyone who saw me walking alone, or with Greg would know. Because how would they, otherwise?

And today, as I walked in the icy wind with little Fiona tucked under my down coat, blissfully unaware of the subzero windchill around her, I imagined to myself that I would have the opportunity to say to someone, I have three daughters and a son.

Three daughters!

Imagine that. I once thought, after Charlotte died, that I would never have another daughter. I think I was preparing myself for what at the time seemed like an even further cruelty: that I would not only lose this child, but that I would lose this one chance to raise a daughter. I felt certain in this.

Now, of course, I imagine this: I was destined to have three daughters. I am one of three girls, as is my mother. My grandmother was an only child, but her mother also had two sisters. (I don't know what happens upwards from there). But I? I have my three daughters, lucky me, blessed me. But when the first one died, the universe said, oh, loss. This bereaved mother, she deserves something extra to help to heal this broken heart of hers. And so a son was sent to me, a sweet little towhead whose intuition, depth and adoration send me reeling. I was not destined to be the mother of sons, but I got one for an extra-special treat. (yum).

And now with Fiona's birth my living daughter has a sister, and my son has his many sisters, the girls who were always meant to be mine. And I have this amazing family, I am the mother of three girls and a boy, four children in all, which feels like a lot. And I want to say it. I want to put the little family stickers on the back of my van, with the four little children, and I wish they had those with angel wings or something because I want to say it, I want to show it, I want it seen.

I wish someone would ask me, maybe tomorrow. How many children do you have? And tomorrow, without a doubt, I will say it... I have three girls and a boy, three daughters and one son. Because I do.

(Aimee, do I hear an AMEN to that?)


Beth said...

Amen! And, I think they DO have the angel baby stickers. I will see if I can find the site.

I'm convinced I won't have another girl either. That I'll never raise a girl. I'm sad, if I have one other girl, that she won't grow up with her sister. I never had a sister either. But I never lost one. I will be too sad for my next daughter, if I'm blessed with one, not to grow up with the sister she was meant to have.

Sometimes I wear Kathlyn's pink paci clipped to my shirt, as if I forgot it was there even though I left her at home. I want people to think I have a baby girl. Because well, I do. I also wrote once about having a black "my baby died" t-shirt. Ohhhhhh. So THAT'S why she's screaming and crying about in public. Her baby died. Well, just let her scream then.

Erika P said...

Sometimes I feel like I was meant to have two boys and Sierra was never meant to be mine, and that makes me sad. I'd love to have another little boy, but I want my girl too.

And if I do manage to have another baby, there will be about 5 years between that baby and Austin. This bothers me too, but Liam and his incredibly sweet way with Fiona has made me feel better about it.

And yes, you most definitely have 3 girls and a boy and they are all beautiful.

Hope's Mama said...

I also feel certain I wont have another girl. I can only HOPE that my story continues to play out like yours.
And you're right, little boys are such treasures.


Taking Heart said...

Three girls and a boy... what a lovely large family! With all of their little tear dropped eyes and elfin noses... all four are beautiful and you must be very proud as they are all different in their own way... yet they all share heart strings... connected to eachother and connected to you.

Carol, I do not know you beyond your blog. But, I have to say that I look forward to reading your words as often as you post.. mainly because the joy and sorrow. with whimsy sprinkled in here and there. You are real.

I am a better nurse to my baby lost patients because of you. I have sat on their bed while they hold their love... and I have told them that they are not any less of a mother... that they are still the mother of this baby.... and as I weep with them... I think of you and how your written words inspire me to continue in such a difficult career. Your words help me to choose my own in order to cater to the grieving family's sensitivies.

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

You do have a beautiful family of one mom, one dad and three daughters and a son.

Congratulations on such a full family.

Aimee said...

Three girls and a boy. A wonderful, "bonus" boy who would never have been. When he was born I was so scared--scared that I wouldn't love him (why? because he was a boy? or because he wasn't Sophie? I'm not sure...but something) and now, my love for him seems overpowering at times. What an amazing little gift.

Three girls and a boy. Amen.

Phil said...

I am so moved by your post. I am the creator of the Australian range of My Family Stickers and have included angel characters specifically designed in order for those in a similar position as you to remember and honour those very special family members. If you would really like to add your angel sticker, please see the characters on our website: choose which one you'd like and send me an email and I would be happy to gift this to you. Regards